I will be continuing to present this clients story in detail, i.e. of her childhood memories and the subsequent psychotherapy experience that has assisted her healing. As Sabrina was taking a class a quarter at the local University, for several years, she began to be able to see the colors of the leaves on the trees and smell the beautiful fragrance of lilacs in spring time.
A sense of awakening was unfolding in Sabrina’s consciousness. There was a world “out there” that seemed to include beauty and abundance. As more time was passing between the time she escaped her home, the cult, Sabrina was aware of flashes in her mind of scenes of brutality.
Sabrina would shake with fear and shock as the scenes from another time would intrude into her awareness with a growing pace. Sabrina struggled deeply. How could these scenes be coming to her as she was experiencing the world as possibly “loving and abundant”?
Often as a child, Sabrina, would awaken from a restless sleep to gun shots. Another child, infant, or teenager was being killed and slaughtered for the rituals of weekly intervals to worship Satan. Sabrina upon birth saw the dark eyes and heard the screams. As a baby she writhed in the urine soaked bed, as another life was taken. As she grew in age, she knew that her time was coming. How long could she escape the “picking” of the needed sacrifice the cult was committed to provide.
As a toddler, Sabrina felt the violation of the rapes and torture and yet was lost in the horror. Sabrina would turn inward and attempt to keep the vision of the dark eyes out of her mind. The adults in the cult would make a “sweep” of the house where most of the abuse and sacrifices occurred.
Each time this happened, Sabrina from birth to the day she escaped the cult, she would breathe a sigh of deep guilt ridden relief as she was not picked to be killed but as some other child was.
The guilt did start early, pre-verbal. Sabrina understood on a soul level that her birth into this cult was beyond the agreement in all dimensions. The guilt, “just take me” and it will at least save one life for a while, haunted Sabrina spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
In psychotherapy as an adult, Sabrina would express her guilt with deep agony and only after a deep connection with me, her psychologist, had been substantially built and sustained.