Sabrina’a Struggle with the Feeling of Shame

In the Satanic Ritualistic Abusive Cult that Sabrina was raised in, shame was the critical and most fundamental method of brainwashing. In the brainwashing of Sabrina and the other children in the cult, the method of shaming each child was “doled” out in massive quantities. Thus this massive quantities of shaming was how the brainwashing had an intense hold on Sabrina. For Sabrina was one of only a few that lived to tell the story of what happened in this cult. Over 95% of the children were killed and the killings were done through burning of the bodies and “grinding” the corpses, so no signs were evident to anybody outside the cult.

During the many years in the cult, Sabrina would say to herself, I need to hold on. I can not loose sight of my soul. For Sabrina knew on some level something was so terribly wrong and she also knew that there was nothing she could do, except do not loose her connection to her heart and soul. In the midst of a constant barrage of being told how evil she is, Sabrina had a “tiny” hold on a different sense. A sense of she has a soul and it may not be evil. Yet in the cult she had to be a soldier. For her, Sabrina, the fight internally was to not lose her “light” and to not internally let go of a possibility, that when she got to eighteen years of age, she may find her way out.

Sabrina said to me often in the early years of psychotherapy, what is the point of all this? To get free from this will take me a lifetime and I am losing my fight, she said weeping. The weight of the brainwashing was heavy and deep in Sabrina’s psyche. She and I, her psychologist and marriage therapist, talked often of the other end of the spectrum of life. The part of life where feelings of joy and love were growing flickers inside her being and around her in her support system. Developing a support system was a very difficult process for Sabrina. For few people believed Sabrina when she dared to tell about her experiences. People would respond with that could not have happened for if it did you would not be alive to talk about it or often Sabrina was told she was making this up.

As her trauma psychologist, Sabrina and I had to deal with the extensive shaming given to her, the function of the shaming as part of the brainwashing was to keep Sabrina and the other children in the cult vibrating at a frequency that was so low that Sabrina felt little to no hope for any freedom or empowerment. Control was reason for the brainwashing. The cult needed to have a method that would totally discourage any feeling other than despair. Thus the children would be easier to manipulate well into adulthood.

Despair for Sabrina would manifest in depression, yet through every session Sabrina had with me, her trauma therapist, she would challenge the beliefs. Each step of the challenging was agony. Sabrina never stopped taking the steps to deal with her goal of freedom and achieving blissful happiness.