Sabrina bent over sobbing, she yells “I am so angry that they touched me”. “How dare the men and women of the cult rape and drug me!” I encourage Sabrina to scream as loud and as long as she needs in the psychotherapy session for her trauma recovery. “I hate those bastards”, she screamed at the top of her lungs. I said thank you and I want to hear more of your feelings. She looked at me with the shock. You want to hear my feelings, she says to me. Though this was close to the 500th time we had gone through her anger, rage, and hurt, it was a continuing journey to challenge her beliefs that I really cared what she felt and I believed her. For depression is anger and rage turned in on ourselves. When these feelings are turned in on ourselves, it poisons the heart and soul. Those toxins from that poisoning manifest as depression.
In telling you the reader that it was about the 500th time she had expressed those feelings is not to discourage you in any way. It is to encourage you that when in the presence of an expert healer even the deepest feelings based on two decades of severe trauma can surface and be worked through to attain freedom. For Sabrina would say why do I have to do this and how come it takes so long? Because it was so serious and devastating, I told her many times. I also told her another truth, that you, Sabrina are making major headway. You, Sabrina, made your way through the cult experience to be here to get the healing to get beyond it to bliss. The qualities, I would tell Sabrina, that got you through that experience is what will take to your joy and bliss now, i.e. tenacity, courage, strength, willingness, and love deep in your heart for your self and others.
Sabrina often said to me this process”sucks”. I would ask her to tell me more about that feeling and experience and then she would move into the next level of healing. The next level at this time, as her psychotherapy is unfolding in front of all of your eyes, is how to access the feeling that are stored in her body that often manifested in physical pain. As Sabrina entered my office, she would say my stomach hurts, my back hurts, my legs are bloated, or my head is pounding. I would suggest how about breathe into the pain and report out to me what you see, feel, what memories come up, what colors do you see, what sensation is the pain in your body, i.e. hot, burning, stinging? This is the part where removing the internal obstacles allows for healing and abundance to show up for Sabrina or for anybody who engages in psychotherapy with me.
Sabrina screamed out to me, “I can’t do this. It is to hard. I don’t know where this will take me”. I would say to her you do not need to know where this will take you for being a trauma survivor and being in trauma therapy, it is understandable that the unknown is frightening. Having gone through trauma, you have developed an “unnatural relationship” with the unknown. I also would say to Sabrina it is a defense of intellectualizing that you need to have it figured out in your head or mind before you move in to the pain. So we bring in resources, I say to her. Sabrina says how about every police office there is in existence surround me in my mind as I go into the pain? Sabrina said I often got through the rapes and torture by visualizing dialing a phone by putting my finger in the number zero in hope the operator would pick up and get help for me. So Sabrina visualized thousands of police officers and she said I would like to have every swan that is alive now to surround me as I go into my body. In her body Sabrina went. She reported to me what came up and we kept moving deeper into the pain. As Sabrina moved into her body, she said as she was facing and feeling the feelings, I feel I am ascending. I said to her that is it. For when you go deep, you face what was and is, feel the feelings, have an expert witness/psychologist guide you, you transform and transcend.Then Sabrina smiled.